I Am Not Alone. I Am a Party of One.

I get that a lot... “Aren’t you lonely?” Should I be lonely? I live alone. I travel alone. I eat alone, even at the finest restaurants. I go to bars alone, although it's rare. I go to the opera alone. I see plays alone. I go to concerts alone. Not always alone, but I am comfortable being alone... Go, seek, and do it alone. When something I want to do pops up, my instinct is to do it. I rarely have that moment when I am like... “I need to find someone to do it with.” When I invite others to join me, their presence isn't often required unless you know... it requires a minimum of two people. Rare, but it happens.

Lunch for one at KinKan

That word, alone, is misleading. Isn't it? Perhaps, it is how we've been taught to understand that “alone” means lonely and thus unhappy. Is it unhealthy that I prefer the company of none, often a book at a restaurant, rather than a human?

It is healthier than being in a relationship because of the fear of being alone, often clawing to justify misery. We all have at least one person in our lives. We want to shake them until they come to their senses. Perhaps, not their senses, but for them to muster enough courage or confidence to leave their unhealthy relationship. Not abusive, but unhealthy nonetheless.

Not enough courage or confidence... We tend to make unhealthy choices wrapped in anxiety. Once again, clawing at the reasons to hold onto what is, rather than looking forward to opportunities to experience something new and different. Dare I say, someone better.

It took me years and countless unhealthy encounters after the divorce to realize that I needed time alone, to be alone, and to be okay with being alone. And it took years after realizing that to be perfectly fine with myself. My worth is measured only by me and no one else. My life, moments... No one is responsible for my feelings, emotions, and mental health because where my emotions remain after being affected by others is my choice. Can a life easily hindered by others be a life of our own?

I don't like that word, alone, to describe my life. I am not alone. I have me. I relish life. I've had my share of dark and low moments, but life's fluidity has also brought me exhilarating and tender moments. Most importantly, it has brought me repose in my perspective on life and serenity in myself. My life feels irreproachable, neither perfect nor grand, yet a fête of my own.

So when folks ask me if I am alone, I now respond that I am a party of one.

_____

More essays:

Hunger

Be a Parent, Not a Pimp

This Crazy World We Live In

I Will Not Vote for Biden—But I Will Cast My Vote for Him

Should Los Angeles Remain a Sanctuary City?

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