Hunger

It was back in January. I wanted a proper afternoon tea with a book, so I made a reservation at The Living Room in The Peninsula Beverly Hills. I sat with Hanya Yanagihara's A Little Life and indulged in a lovely afternoon tea until I was surprised by a parade of cakes. I realized that every table was celebrating a birthday, and not another table was occupied simply to enjoy the afternoon tea. I pondered and smiled at the reminder that I don't save good china for special occasions.

Afternoon tea at the Living Room

Special occasions... Those words lingered in my mind. The only thing guaranteed in life, from the first breath to the very last breath we take, is death. Birth and all the days we have lived seem almost infinitesimal compared to today, our present. To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."

I like that saying, the best present is the present. There are days I want to return the present, but those presents often give me opportunities to appreciate the next one more. Being in the present, rather than chasing after a mirage rooted in hunger, yields a quiet, serene satisfaction.

It is an interesting word, isn't it? Hunger is a craving caused by discomfort or suffering due to a lack of... I cringe when companies seek and value "hungry" people.

What does it say about a company or a manager when they are looking for people driven by lack or discomfort? Hunger—not for food, but in life—can feel less like ambition and more like unease. While there is a version of hunger that reflects curiosity or a desire to grow, there is another that comes from dissatisfaction that never quite settles.

Being hungry in life is not the same as being hungry for life. The former looks outward, trying to acquire; the latter turns inward, seeking to experience. When we try to fill our lives—with money, people, power, or things—it doesn’t satisfy. It stretches the need. What seems like fulfillment often leads to wanting more.

And yet, not all hunger is the same. Some of it comes from having never had enough to begin with. We recognize it when words outpace reality, when presentation matters more than substance. It is easy to call this deception, but more often, it reflects insecurity or a need to be seen differently than one feels inside.

I find myself less reactive to it now. What once felt frustrating reads differently—less as something to resist, and more as something to recognize. It is not something I agree with, but it is something I understand more than I used to.

I became comfortable with myself some time between after I reset Exhaling Life back in November 2021 with Lemon Honey & Soy Sauce Chicken and now. Some folks may call me a survivor. I hate that word... Survivor. I still hate that word, but it may be because I am now beyond surviving. I am content.

There is peace within me. I am not being chased by monsters. I still have flashbacks, sometimes anger. I also know that I am no longer that little girl. I am no longer that woman. I am no longer a victim. They are all in the past and I am not in the past. I am here, in the present.

I've taken inventory of life... Often considered cold with my instinct to be pragmatic and transparent, I always held onto humanity and humility even in the survival mode moments. Was I ever hungry? I never cared to be successful. I cared to be valuable, bring value to what I did, and do with intentions in my work and personal spaces. At least not hungry enough to be unscrupulous.

Are you hungry in life? You know... You can't shake off that feeling that you are missing something. You are always looking for that next thing to fill your time and space. No matter what, you can't feel satisfied. You feel like there is more out there for you. Are you feeling miserable while putting up a face of happiness? How about exhilarating with a sense of hollowness?

This post contains an affiliate link.

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More essays:

Be a Parent, Not a Pimp

This Crazy World We Live In

I Will Not Vote for Biden—But I Will Cast My Vote for Him

Should Los Angeles Remain a Sanctuary City?

Barbie, Margot & Greta… Thank You, but No Thank You

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