I'll pass on forgiveness.

It has been several days since I saw this irritating post on Instagram. "Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore." That post stirred anger in me. The part about weak people revenge didn't bother me. The part about intelligent people ignore did somewhat bother me. Is ignoring, blinded by rainbows and unicorns of today's false definition of positive culture, truly intelligent? 

I thought hard about my irritation for strong people forgive, the expectation that we should forgive when certain things are simply unforgivable. I cannot forgive the person who sexually abused me when I was a child. Would the author of those words tell a woman who was raped that she isn't strong if she can't forgive? How about a parent whose child was killed? 

Photo by Clemens van Lay on Unsplash

It is easy to preach, isn't it? Be kind to those who wronged you. You should forgive because it is healthy for you. Be the bigger person. If I hadn't spent so much time feeling like a failure because I couldn't be the bigger person, would I have struggled and been damaged for many years afterward in ways that I have been? 

Forgiveness wasn't necessary for me. In fact, it was an obstacle for me in a life that was damaged by false self-blame, distorted self-image and the shame that should've never been mine. It wasn't until I embraced not being okay, my anger, and even hate towards him that I took a genuine step toward healing. As those days of anger and hate turned into months, I realized something. Certain things in life aren't forgivable. 

That acceptance, what he did to me was not forgivable, felt like one thousand-pound rock being lifted off my chest. Decades of being trapped in moments of abuse began to dissipate. The distorted guilt of I somehow was culpable as a child for the abuse undistorted. My anger and hate surfaced as I realized how unforgivable the abuse was. I needed to acknowledge my anger and hate, and not just the hurt, within me before I could take that genuine step toward healing. 

Time doesn't heal everything, but it has put a distance between anger and me. As the days passed by, the anger, slowly but surely, became dull. Honestly, I don't think I will ever not hate him. In my attempt to be a strong person by forgiving him, I focused on him rather than myself. I had focused on what he did to me rather than the damage left in me. The damage I had to heal from. He isn't a part of my journey to heal. 

I no longer carry the burden of forgiving him. I am discovering to this day about healing. Healing isn't about becoming a strong person. It is allowing room to be vulnerable and learning to react to uncomfortable emotions without causing self-harm. 

In my journey to heal, I am only accountable for my actions, reactions, and wellness as I move onward. I am neither responsible for the abuse nor the abuser, so forgiveness isn't necessary for me in my journey to heal. Forgiving the abuser doesn't make me a strong person. What makes me a strong person is moving onward and continuing on the journey to heal despite the damages left by the abuse. So, I'll pass on the forgiveness.