Where is the Lost & Found? I misplaced me.

As I weaved in and out of high fever with Covid in recent weeks, I worked. At first, it was only on time-sensitive and critical items. Unfortunately, that didn't hold and I found myself answering questions and replying to emails that could've waited. And, I became resentful as my body collapsed. 

I was forced to pause and introspect as my body caved from Covid, stressed with massive fatigue. When the boundary of "time-sensitive and critical items" wasn't being respected, I had the option of being 100% unavailable but I continued to work. In the midst of work and chaos that surrounded it, I had lost me.

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

While I work with intentions, mindfulness and passion, I advocate for drawing boundaries between personal and work spaces. Each workday, I assemble and dismantle the work laptop, monitor, keyboard and mouse at home. My work calendar is up-to-date and the status on the Teams is mostly current. While I have Teams on my iPhone, the notification is off. It is only set "on" if I am having technical issues and can only be reached on the iPhone during office hours. 

I am a big believer in and have been known to take "mental wellness" days to pause and recover. Having space and time to be away often helps us to refresh with a broader perspective and renewed energy. I am not afraid of to say no. Yet, I had lost all that somewhere in the last few months as I managed and tamed an untamed beast of many years of age, who greeted me at the door nearly a year ago. 

I did have many wins in the past year, but those wins at taming the beast came at personal costs. Somewhere on the battlefield, I must've dropped myself and didn't realize it. And, near total collapse with Covid helped me to see that I was not myself. 

We talk about slowing down, pausing and selfcare, but how many of us are truly practicing our words? When was the last time you paused and introspected to reconcile all that surrounds our daily lives and life? Are you hustling or living? 

If you are hustling, then you are not living. Webster's Dictionary defines hustling as to crowd or push roughly; to convey forcibly or hurriedly; or to urge forward precipitately. Life cannot be content and healthy when done in constant hustle. Anxious? Are you hustling, one after another? 

I've slowed down, so I can find the misplaced me somewhere on the battlefield. Once found, I'm sure some mending will be required. Perhaps, a short pause to mend and heal so the wound won't burst open. 

Regularly introspecting to course-correct and level-set with ourselves is important. In recent weeks, I once again started asking these questions and examining the answers... Are expectations put on me by others or myself? Once I draw boundaries, am I good at following my own boundaries? Am I comfortable with my own limitations? Am I accepting the limitations of others? Am I mindful of my own needs as much as the needs of others? 

It is only natural that we will misplace and lose things and people. And, ourselves is no exception. What I am learning is that it is perfectly fine to misplace and lose ourselves as long as we work towards finding, mending and healing once and over-and-over again.