Are we abusing self-care?

When does self-care become selfish? Some of us, more mature and in particular women at times, have struggled between the thin line of self-care and selfishness while some of us are convinced that our selfishness is self-care. In the past two years, I have become an ardent practitioner of self-care. By self-care, I mean putting my mental and physical health as a priority, not minding so much about how others may judge me, not getting anxious about something bad that hasn't happened, and doing my best for myself.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

At times, I've wondered when self-care becomes selfish. Are my sacrifices and compromises always harmful to me? Should I sacrifice for the greater good? Will my sacrifice be meaningful or would it just demand more sacrifices from me? Is there such a thing as harmful self-care?

As I navigated this concept of self-help for mental wellness, I realized that healthy self-care is balancing our inward and outward care. What is inward and outward care? Inward care is the care we practice for ourselves while outward care is expressing our care for others through mindfulness. 

There is a fine line between self-care and selfishness, and your inward care shouldn't require inconveniencing, physical or mental injury, rudeness or damage to others. There, of course, is an exception to it. I draw boundaries as a form of self-care. Boundaries are drawn when a person repeatedly emotionally causes distress or injures me. It is a defense mechanism to protect myself from further harm with the consequence of that person becoming persona non grata in my sphere if they can't respect my boundaries. How that person feels from the consequence of their inconsiderate and harmful behaviors is... Let me just say that I leave those with personality disorders to course-correct with help from trained mental health professionals.

Self-care isn't about always being comfortable and doing what is comfortable for us. Sometimes, we need that discomfort to push us and see it from different perspectives or emotionally grow through changes. There is a difference between harmful and discomfort. If you are escaping to self-care because of discomfort caused by self-inflicted anxiety, then aren't you harming yourself rather than practicing inward care? 

When we cancel our commitments, even on minor plans, because we no longer feel like it... That isn't self-care, but rudeness. Of course, we are entitled to be rude as long as we are cool with people returning our rudeness. It isn't an eye for an eye. It is being intelligent enough to understand that other people are entitled to be rude just as we are to them.

Meaningful inward care cannot happen without outward care. When we only act out with our comforts and feelings, then we would be equally damaged by the inconvenience, physical or mental injuries, and rudeness of others. And here is something else to consider... If your self-care more often causes inconvenience, emotional injuries or rudeness to others, then what does that say about you or the health of your relationships?

The inward care of you taking care of you should only impact you, and it shouldn't adversely impact others unless it is the consequences of their ill behavior.  So next time you decide to self-care, ask yourself... Are you giving yourself inward care, dwarfing to feed your anxiety, or just being selfish? And be honest because that is the best self-care you can give yourself.